A Plea
Please get over your sudden bizarre aerial-serpent fetish before it’s too late
What would it take?
What could I do, say, type, that would dissuade you from going to see Snakes on a Plane?
Because I know you’re planning to. (The Samuel L. Jackson phone spam you forwarded was a clue.)
And you really need to snap out of it.
Oh, it was mildly — mildly — amusing at first. Stupid concept, silly title, Samuel L. Jackson saying the F word. Chuckle chuckle.
How exactly did that warrant being treated as hilarious? For months?
Now you are going to stand in line and pay money to see a movie that, if you’re lucky, might manage to be slightly less awful than the crap they run on SciFi every Saturday night. Or it might not. It might turn out that you’ll waste precious hours of your life on this movie only to wind up longing for the epic, gloriously realized grandeur of Mansquito.
But too late. Your money’s gone. It’s gone and made an assuredly horrible movie a massive hit. Which will just be the start of a new thick river of guano oozing into theaters. And whose fault will it be?
Yours.
There. Shame. Did that do it? Because I’d hate to have to resort to icy scorn.
SoaP will have a big, big opening. There’s no stopping that. But I think many people will come to their senses at the last minute. Literally the last minute.
They’ll be standing in line, debit card in hand, ready to ask for a ticket to the 9:40 showing of Snakes. Suddenly they’ll stagger a little bit, as if buffeted by a wave. They’ll shake their heads to clear the cobwebs and mutter quietly to themselves, “What the hell am I doing?” As they reach the ticket window, they’ll do the only sensible thing and ask instead for admission to whatever film is showing next that isn’t Snakes on a Plane.
Sadly, that movie will be Step Up.
Fortunately, I got got the hook-up. I got to see Clerks 2 for free. I’ll do the same for this one… If anyone asks me If I liked the movie I can say “Worth every Penny!” (Do movie critics pay to see movies? If I was a critic, that would be my all purpose tag line.)
The only thing I will lose is the two hours watching the movie…two hours…
…shuddering…
Nah, it debuted at #2, and so far has only brought in like 16 million. I bet in its second weekend it gets 5 mil, tops.
I think a lot of people just got sick of the gimmick. It was a funny trailer. I actually was shocked to hear that it wasn’t a joke and it was going to be made into a film. Can I call it that? A “film?” It sounds wrong.