April Absence Brings May Nonsense
Yours truly struggles back on his horse (and clearly, you haven’t missed a thing)
Yeah, I took April off. Not a plan, just happened. Blocked again. Maybe those ol’ bloggin’ gears would start turning again if someone would just ask some questions.
Q: Are you watching anything new and interesting on TV these days?
A: No, and no. Basically, I’m watching the same four or five shows I was before, and marking time until the new Venture Bros. eps start up in June.
Q: What about movies?
A: Ah, movies. Remember when some of them were intriguing and full of the promise of entertainment, and you wanted to go see them? I miss those days.
Q: Ohhhhhh-K then. Back to TV, and some of the recent "buzzworthy" events that you couldn’t be bothered to write about. First off, why do the South Park guys hate Family Guy so much?
A: A recent two-part South Park offered some explanations, which don’t really matter because it’s most likely that the real reason is that the South Park guys are total douchebags.
Q: And why do the Family Guy and American Dad staff hate Scrubs so much?
A: They are confused by the lack of fart jokes.
Q: Sounds like their Scrubs hate upsets you. But I bet you loved it when Family Guy dissed Sports Night, didn’t you?
A: [sighing fondly] Yeahhhh.
Q: Coughypocritecough.
A: That’s some cough you’ve got there. Can I get you a nicotine patch?
Q: Hey, I’m asking the questions here.
A: Not lately you’re not.
Q: Fine. What would Scrubs be like if it actually weren’t funny, because the acting, writing, and directing were all so wretched?
A: Oh, so you haven’t caught Teachers then. Good for you.
Q: Speaking of half-hour grease stains on NBC, isn’t Will & Grace gone yet?
A: Amazingly, no. Keep holding your breath; the stench should clear soon.
Q: Didn’t you used to like Will & Grace?
A: Sure, back when it was a comedy.
Q: Why does NBC insist on promoting its comedies as if they’re dramas?
A: They are, um … they are confused by the lack of fart jokes.
Q: Speaking of shows without fart jokes, are you buying that whole the-president’s-behind-everything twist on 24?
A: At first, no way, and when something comes off as unbuyable on 24, that’s an accomplishment. But the results have been kind of fun. And any twist that leads to Chloe’s tasering a guy in a hotel bar is OK with me.
Q: Speaking of people who need tasering, what the hell was that crap where Adult Swim showed Saved By the Bell for two weeks?
A: It was all part of a clever plan to ensure that I get to bed at a decent time for a change. By scheduling a horrible ’80s children’s show at midnight on weeknights, and Minoriteam at midnight on Sundays, suddenly, I’m getting the rest I need. Take that, Lunesta!
Q: You don’t like Minoriteam?
A: Not at all. The pilot was a little amusing, but now that it’s a series, it’s just loud, every frame is too crowded, and there’s nothing funny about it.
Q: Maybe you’re just confused by its lack of fart jokes.
A: Please. It’s Adult Swim. I’m sure there are fart jokes.
Q: Back to prime time, how much is Lost sucking now?
A: Let’s put it this way. Was hanging out with friends this weekend, and we were flipping channels, and we stumbled upon some made-for-TV Jules Vernish adventure movie in which Patrick Stewart and Kyle MacLachlan were trapped. We watched some woman lamely run around a beach trying to escape a giant, growling CGI scorpion, while other people shouted and poked at it, and I said, "It’s just like Lost, except that things are happening."
Q: Do you know how very uncool it is to repeat your own riffs?
A: Obviously, no.
Q: Speaking of non sequiturs, a little while back the guy who directed that unauthorized documentary about Fox News, and now one about Wal-Mart, was on The Colbert Report, and Colbert failed to bring up the fact that this same guy was the director of Xanadu. Wasn’t that a rare lapse on Colbert’s part?
A: Didn’t you get the memo? Colbert’s greatness cannot be questioned these days.
Q: Good point. Colbert’s gold, while The Daily Show is barely watchable.
A: If by "barely watchable" you mean smart and funny as ever, then yes, The Daily Show is barely watchable. Who are you, questioner, a tedious pop-culture blogger for the Onion AV Club? (Sorry, we don’t link to bad things. The Mysterious Island IMDb link notwithstanding.) This interview’s over.
Q: And none too soon.
But it was kind of awesome that adult swim had [crappy 80’s live action tv show network] at the bottom of its programming during the whole Saved By the Bell thing.
Minoriteam is kinda stupid, even if i do like the names of some of the characters. Moral Orel, on the other hand, is nine kinds of fucked up-awesome.
On the upside, Lost is the one show on TV where you if watch long enough, they will kill off the character that pisses you off the most. It’s that long enough I’m hoping they’ll work on shortening.
I’m also thinking about establishing a new metric to measure what shows I watch. It’s entirely based on how appealing I find the actresses. A bit shallow I’ll admit, but it cuts to the point and is appropriate to the level of writing that’s out there today.