‘Bred Crumbs

— Sorry I haven’t written lately. It’s not my fault. The bastards changed the bus schedule on me.

— Actually, I have some news I’ve had to sit on, but I think it’s safe to speak about it now. I’m next in line for the starring role in the Smallville Aquaman spinoff. Yeah, I know they announced someone else in the role today, but as we’ve seen, these castings last one, two weeks tops. I should be in by mid-March. Gives me time to arrange a conveniently water-soaked headshot.

— During my Olympics hiatus, I’ve been helping Fox craft new television networks from floor sweepings.

— Also during my Olympics hiatus, I’ve been watching the Olympics. NBC has actually held to its promise to bag the weepy features. The only couple of athlete features I’ve seen, about skater Apollo Ohno and snowboarder Shaun White, have just gone to show that the American Olympians aren’t that interesting. (The boarder’s sole selling point is his red hair, for cryin’ out loud.) Team USA is only interesting when it’s being petulant. Who’s more off-putting, the speedskater who shunned a team event to concentrate on his specialty, or the speedskater who grumbled about that because it endangered his own medal count? You make the call. NBC will have full coverage 12 hours later.

— I have a theory about why viewership of these Winter Games is down. The Canadian speedskaters aren’t wearing cool threads. Oh, the 2006 suits are, um, striking, but nowhere near as glorious as the contoured airbrushing of Team Canada ’02. Or maybe I’m not giving the new duds their due. Maybe my eyes were damaged by the soul-shreadding Russian outfits. Or all the American snowboarding pajamas.