It’s an Honor Just to Be Bullet-pointed
A quick, disrespectful look at a certain set of film award nominations
Some fast facts on this morning’s Üskar nominations: (Spelled thus to avoid pesky trademark symbols.)
- Number of Best Picture nominees I’ve seen: 1
- Number of Best Picture nominees I probably will have seen by Üskar night: maybe 2 (I’m a little curious about Crash.)
- Number of Best Picture nominees that share a title with a David Cronenberg film about people who get off on vehicular mayhem: 1
- Number of Best Actress nominees who will lose because they didn’t play a male, again: 4
- Number of Best Song nominees: Only 3!
- Number of Best Song nominees you’ve heard: 0
- Number of Best Song nominees we want to see Beyonce sing this year: 0
- Number of minutes Judi Dench was on screen for her nominated role: way more than the time she won
- Number of giggles that issued from me when I saw that Episode III didn’t even get an effects nomination: 1
- Number of reasons I might watch part of the awards: 1 (The host.)
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Number of Best Actress nominees who will lose because they didn’t play a male, again: 4
Actually, the Best Actress Oscar is coming pre-engraved with Reese Witherspoon’s name, which I do believe is yet another sign of the apocalypse.
Number of Animated Short Films that won’t be shown in favor of showing long clips of boring Short and Long Documentaries, Costume Designers, and the Technical Awards Footage: all of them.