Tristan in the Wind
Snap Judgments: In Isolde, love means never having to say anything sensible
IN A WORLD where opinions don’t have to be based on reality …
… And movie trailers are as much of a commodity as the actual movies …
… One recurring feature dared to do what no one really cared if it did or not.
’Bred Crumbs proudly presents … Snap Judgments, in which new releases are reviewed based solely on their trailers and ads. First up: Tristan & Isolde.
According to Tristan & Isolde, the sure proof of true, eternal devotion is awful, awful dialogue. (Which means HBO’s Deadwood must be a love story.)
Tristan & Isolde is an old Celtic via King Arthur via Wagner story of forbidden, tortured, endless love that no one has heard of or can pronounce. But someone thought it needed to be made into a movie, so James Franco brought his Spider-man you-killed-my-father scowl, and Kevin Reynolds brought his checkered directorial experience. (Reynolds’ résumé really isn’t so bad once you knock out all of the non-Fandango Kevin Costner projects.)
Above all, the screenwriter brought the cheese. Here’s just one taste: "I want to know that there’s more to this life, and I can’t know that if they kill you."
Tristan (Franco), who must let Isolde wed another man for political reasons, gets at least one solemnly spoken gem: "With every look he gives you I get sicker and sicker."
But most of the sludge comes out of the mouth of Isolde, apparently a Celtic name meaning "demanding." Her overriding attitude is summed up by this early complaint: "Why long for things if they’re not meant to be ours?" Later comes this tightly zoomed exchange with Tristan:
I: How many did you love before me?
T: None.
I: And after me?
T: None.
Glad that’s settled. Isolde has secured her pre-nup and ensured Tristan’s lifelong misery, so let the lovin’ begin.
Fox has smartly consigned this laughable goo to the dumping ground of January, and figuring that nothing gets out excess like excess, the studio has piled on the wretchedness. (Speaking of wretchedness, the other title contender for this review was "Tristan Shout." Better? Worse? Equally unforgivable?) There’s a song from Gavin DeGraw, famed for his massive One Tree Hill hit "I Duhwanna Be Ennyenngg Uhhrgnnmm Ee," and a soupy tag line that could make sense only to a Tiger Beat reader: WHEN FATE BETRAYS YOUR HEART / DESTINY LEAVES YOU NO CHOICE. As my partner Robbie wisely notes, "If it has the word heart in it, you know it’s going to be bad."
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