‘Bred Crumbs

Spike TV, which tries to keep Maxim readers off the streets, has provided another public service. Its "008 Days of 007" marathon, besides giving me something to watch over Christmas weekend, also finally sorted out the amorphous tangle that the Bond series was in my mind.

All my life, I’ve never really known which James Bond films I had and hadn’t seen; they all just blurred together. Now I can make distinctions. I know that Goldfinger is the good one, the flat-out entertaining romp that has all the kitschy elements that the whole Bond saga and all its parodies are known for. I know that Diamonds Are Forever has sausage king Jimmy Dean and a goofy-cool scene with two gymnastic female bodyguards named Bambi and Thumper, and that its theme song launches me reflexively into a tortured Shirley Bassey impersonation. (Diamonds ah for-ev-AHHHHH…) And I know that From Russia with Love has a long train scene, though I don’t know why that’s the only part of the movie I ever see.

Above all, I know that the Bond series is way past its prime. Then again, I knew that going in.

This fact hit home when we tuned into Never Say Never Again, the "unofficial" and thoroughly unnecessary Thunderball remake from 1983, made primarily to legally satisfy a disgruntled Ian Fleming collaborator. (Yes, the link is to Wikipedia. Here’s your grain of salt.) We watched, unamused, as stock scene gave way to stock scene with little rhyme or reason. At one point, Bond was chatting up some sex prospect, trying to set up an appointment, and she responded with:

"Tomorrow’s not good for me."

We instantly decided that would be a good title for a modern-day Bond film.

And since, for some reason, at least one more Bond film is on the way, with a sixth, "who’s that" actor picked to play the outdated hero, here are some more proposed titles suitable to this tired, tired francise.

• The Spy who Drew My Name in Secret Santa
• From Russia with Super Saver Shipping
• Never Is When I Will Sign the Prenup
• The Girl with the American Express™ Gold Card
• Dr. Steve, the Chiropractor from H.M.O.
• Octoplexy