‘Bred Crumbs

This glossary is not a definitive or comprehensive guide, but it’s fun!

The lexicon covers all episodes that premiered on The Comedy Channel, Comedy Central, and the Sci-Fi Channel (but not the KTMA shows; deal with it, pinkboy), as well as Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie and various specials. (Listed with each entry is the number of the episode or some episodes in which the term is featured – but any entry is also liable to turn up as a riff in episodes besides those listed [meaning, I don’t know which ones; “various” serves this purpose as well]. For the movie titles that go with the episode numbers, refer to the episode guide at Satellite News, the official MST3K site.)

This glossary, in a less updated form, was first published in 1996 in the MST3K/Best Brains library of the ShowBiz Forum of the late, lamented online service CompuServe. Mystery Science Theater 3000, its related characters and situations are trademarks of and ©Best Brains Inc., which had nothing to do with this glossary. But I hope they and their fans find it pleasing.

"Amazing Grace"

spiritual song beloved by small-town residents in movies on account of its being royalty-free (908)

apes

creatures who, as uncannily prophesied by a series of 1970s movies starring Roddy McDowall in heavy makeup, take over the Earth and rule it in the year 2525 (801-804)

area

the male private parts; also "basket," "batch," "mess," "package," "place," "region," "section," "store" and "unit"; as contrasted, perhaps, to weird area (numerous episodes; origin, 417)

Art

Crow, as known to his pen pal, Pearl (701-704, 821; exposition in 701T)

"at first"

common riff completion of an on-screen comment such as "He seems nice enough" (various, esp. Season 1)

Bacon, Kevin

star of Earth vs. Soup, who bears an uncanny resemblance to Mike (704)

Baker, Joe Don

porklike "action" "hero" who "stars" in "Mitchell" and "Final Justice"; his awful work precedes the escape of Joel, but not Mike (512, 1008)

Band That Played "California Lady," The

a ’70s California-rock trio in "Track of the Moon Beast," whose career is chronicled by Mike in Behind the Music fashion (1007)

Basehart, Richard

TV actor and fixation of Gypsy (various, incl. 111, 112, 305, 318, 507, 514, 515)

Big Head

a fake, very large head invented by Joel whose raison d’etre is that it’s, well, "real big" (318, 319, 323)

"Bite me! (It’s fun!)"

common discussion-ending insult (numerous)

Bobo

in full, "Professor Bobo"; a mountain gorilla who is the not terribly bright leader of a community of evolved apes that contacts Mike and continues to send him movies upon the orders of the Lawgiver (801 on)

booze

when referred to in the tone of a public-service-advertisement announcement, a satisfying, beneficial elixir ("Booze makes you popular and heals all wounds") (415, 602, 802, others)

’bots, the

Joel and Mike’s "robot friends": Cambot, Gypsy, Crow and Tom Servo (but esp. Crow and Servo) (all)

Brain Guy

not-exactly-affectionate nickname for the Observer who joins Pearl and Bobo in relentless pursuit of Mike and the ’bots (804 on)

brainstorm

prizeless contest in which viewers are invited to name or describe a thing or idea, such as the man trapped in a plant in "Robot Holocaust" (104, 110, 208, 213, 302, 310)

Buddy Ebsen Hat Distressing Corporation

a franchise opportunity that fails to work out for Servo (1010)

buffalo shots

film frames featuring an area (410, 412, 519, 523)

"By this time my lungs were aching for air"

Crow’s frequent allusion to Lloyd Bridges in Sea Hunt (various, esp. 201)

cakehole

{used in exasperation} mouth ("Shut your cakehole!"); also piehole (various)

Callipygias

husband of Flavia (816-819)

"California Lady"

see Band That Played "California Lady," The

Cambot

frequently remodeled ’bot who is the telecasting complex of the Satellite of Love (all)

Castle Forrester

the ancestral Forrester home, where Pearl, Bobo, and Observer finally settle to try to take over the world after their adventures in time and space (901 on)

Castleton

apparent alma mater of the pointy-chinned hero of "Time Chasers" (821)

Cattrall, Kim

"actress" on whom Crow has a crush (403, 411)

Chinderwear

an invention of the Mads: underwear made to cover buttocks-resembling chins (505, 821)

Chocolate Jones and the Temple of Funk

Crow’s attempt at a blaxploitation screenplay (622)

Circle Pines

oft-cited Minneapolis suburb (various, incl. 406, 507, 509, 610, 801)

clown-style

in the gymnastic, close-contact, vaguely frightening way of trapeze "artists"; said of sexually suggestive activity ("They’re doing it clown-style!") (422)

Coke

soft drink that is the apparent addiction of Helen, one of Gamera’s many young fans (316)

commercial sign

signal (yellow light) for a commercial break (all)

crackers

snack whose scarcity mars both "The Incredible Melting Man" and Earth vs. Soup (704)

"Crawling Eye, The"

the movie forced on Mike and the ’Bots in the first national episode of MST (101, 1013)

Creepy Girl

"Catalina Caper" character on whom Servo develops a crush (204)

Crow

bowling-pin-beaked, lacrosse-mask-capped, long-limbed, scissors/claw-handed, michievous ’bot; full name: Crow T. Robot (all)

crow@biteme.com

Crow’s address on the "information superhighway" (612)

"crunt"

provocatively ambiguous term of derision (524; the final "MST Alive" show during the 1994 ConventioCon Expo Fest-A-Rama)

Da Vinci, Leonardo

famous Italian inventor who is portrayed in his youth as an inept, chauvinistic buffoon in "Quest of the Delta Knights" (913)

Deep Hurting

torture technique introduced by the mads via "Hercules Against the Moon Men"; see also sandstorm (410)

Deep 13

underground hideout of the mads (many episodes; all from 513-706)

Demon Dogs

small red skeletal beasts who mistake the Satellite of Love for a giant dog bone and swarm it (102)

Denby, Robert

a villain in "Riding with Death," undeservedly renowned for his supposed elusiveness (814)

Diabolik

the thieving dubious hero of "Danger: Diabolik," the movie shown in the last episode of MST (1013)

"dickweed"

epithet often hurled by the ’bots (various, esp. 415; Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie)

dull surprise

sole thespian facial expression of supermodel Kathy Ireland (516)

Earth vs. Soup

Crow’s lame first attempt at a screenplay; the film is eventually produced for $800 (from a $30 million overall budget) and released as a trailer (313, 620, 622, 704)

Ecstato-euphoro-fun

protection against Hypno-helio-static-stasis (520)

Eddie Nelson

Mike’s tough older brother (821)

edge of the universe

where Mike and the ’bots wind up for 500 years after Forrester cuts loose the Satellite of Love (706, 801, 806)

Enoch

leader of the Demon Dogs (102)

Erhardt, Dr. Larry

first assistant to Dr. Forrester (101-201, 313)

experiment

a cheesy movie foisted upon Joel or Mike and the ’bots to test their reactions (all)

Fisher-Price people or Weebles

miniature figures that Japanese people in monster movies always dress like (308)

Flavia

an Ancient Roman who not exactly befriends Pearl and Brain Guy, thinking them gods (816-820; name origin, 805)

forklift

instrument of attempted murder in "Fugitive Alien" and basis for lyrics Joel and the ’bots provide for the movie’s theme music (refrain: "He tried to kill him with a forklift") (310, 318)

Forrester, Dr. Clayton

mad scientist who runs the Mystery Science Theater 3000 experiments (102-801, 1001; MST3K:TM; full name: Clayton Deborah Susan Forrester (701)

Forrester, Pearl

see Pearl

Frank, Sandy

auteur of Gamera, "Mighty Jack," "Fugitive Alien" and "Time of the Apes"; a k a "the source of all our pain" (302, 304, 306, 308, 310, 312, 314, 316, 318)

Frank, TV’s

second assistant to Dr. Forrester (201-624; 822; 1001)

French-fried potatoes (garnish)

common American side dish craved in "Jungle Goddess" and demanded by the ’bots of Joel at gunpoint and tankpoint (203, 507, 704)

Gamera

a gigantic turtle and frequent star of Japanese monster movies, worshipped by children (302, 304, 308, 312, 316, 612)

gentle pressure

attention-getting method that prevents one’s eyes from being welded shut, as emphasized in a pointlessly grim Union Pacific short (623)

Ginger

Mike’s (then Crow’s) girlfriend back in his Wisconsin days (807)

Gizmonics Institute

employer of the mads and Joel (101-512

"Go ahead on"

something that Joe Don Baker repeatedly insists that his enemies do, often then informing them that "it’s your move", in "Final Justice" (1008)

good and the beautiful, the

that which, you know captain, every year of his life an astronaut in "Phantom Planet" grows more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on (if you just take the time to look at it) (902)

Goosio

the puppety goose who is the beloved friend to Maltese children (1008)

"Gymkata!"

variant on "Hi-keeba!"; from the MST-worthy Kurt Thomas flick (various)

Gypsy

long-tubed, baby-seat-headed, single-flashlight-eyed ’bot who runs the ship’s higher functions while Joel/Mike, Crow and Servo watch the movies (all)

hamdingers

awful food product and supposed contents of a box on the Satellite of Love that actually contained an escape pod; because it was marked "HAMDINGERS," no one ever investigated it (512, 513; 1008; MST3K:TM)

happy king!

what Mr. B Natural claims every kid wants to be (319, 421, 519; 1995 MST3K Anthology host segments)

Happy Temps!

the agency that employed Mike (512)

Hee-la

reptile-themed knockoff of Spydor (402)

"He learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature …"

opening words of the dramatic speech recited by Peter Graves in "It Conquered the World" (311)

Henry Kissinger

a monkey Crow and Servo order from Instant Monkeys Online (822)

Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo

Mike’s favorite movie (1008)

Hercules

muscle-bound, sleep-prone "action" hero (408, 410, 412, 502)

Hexfield Viewscreen

six-sided monitor on the Satellite that shows visitors (various)

high-impact chiropractics

a fight; contrasted with a low-impact donnybrook, an Ed Wood-directed fight ("high," 105; "low," 613)

"Hi-keeba!"

obligatory sound effect added to high-impact-chiropractics sequences (various; origin, 104)

Hinder 90

key, "patented" ingredient of Ecstato-euphoro-fun (520)

hockey hair

a mullet-bearing virus that infects everyone in Castle Forrester and on the Satellite of Love – except Mike, who already had it (910)

"Hodgka!"

{spelling approximate} expletive used in "The Incredible Melting Man" (704)

hot-fish stand

what Joel winds up running after his return to Earth, inspiring jealousy in Mike (1001)

Hypno-helio-static-stasis

torture technique introduced by the mads via the massive tedium of "Radar Secret Service" (520)

"I’m bitter"

excuse used by one who is sulking, as in "You go; I’m bitter" (various; origin, 201)

"I’m the wind"

Servo’s explanation of his mysterious essence (421)

Instant Monkeys Online

see Henry Kissinger

invention exchange

activity in which Joel (or Mike) and the mads reveal to each other things they have invented, such as the "tickle bazooka," which shoots feathers, and punching bags depicting characters from Renaissance festivals (101-519)

"I should really just relax"

suggested mantra that concludes the "Love Theme from Mystery Science Theater 3000," for those who would take the show so seriously as to debate its every detail, or compile glossaries (all)

"I sing whenever I sing whenever I sing …"

interpretation of the inpenetrable lyrics sung by the teen-dream-wannabe hero of "The Giant Gila Monster" as he bangs on metal in his garage (402, 403)

"It stinks!"

expression of contempt from "Pod People"; accompanied by circled-fingers "OK" sign (303, 319, 602)

"I want to decide who lives and who dies"

Crow’s Christmas wish (321, 401)

Jell-O

gelatinous food substitute, consumption of which is a sign of recovery from illness ("I had Jell-O today") (various)

Jerry and Sylvia

two of the Mole People (various, esp. Season 2; 1991 Turkey Day host segments)

Jim Henson’s Muppet Babies

TV inspiration for a running gag of Joel and the ’bots (example: a group of ragged kids in the desert is dubbed "Jim Henson’s Exodus Babies") (Season 4, esp. 407; also 705)

Joel

janitor shot into space and subjected to bad movies; full name: Joel Robinson (101-512; 1001; a k a "that sleepy-eyed guy" (821)

Joey the Lemur

featured lemur-like character in "King Dinosaur!" named thus by Joel (211, 611)

Just Plain Peter: The U of M Years

See Peter Graves at the University of Minnesota

kicks

thrills; motivation of the hoodlums in "The Hellcats" (209, others, as recent as 822)

knee up or leg up

standing with one leg propped up on, for example, a bench or a fender, with an arm resting on the raised knee; requisite blocking position of actors in "The Giant Gila Monster" (402)

Krankor

properly, the Phantom of Krankor; the jerkily laughing, pseudo-malevolent being from the Japanese flick "Prince of Space" (816, 819)

Lawgiver

Pearl, as she styles herself to rule Bobo and the apes who contact Mike (801-803)

"Leave the Bronx"

oft-repeated instruction that makes up roughly half the dialogue in the movie "Escape 2000" (705, 706)

"Let’s Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas"

Crow’s attempt at a Christmas carol (321)

like being hit on the back of the head with a surfboard of flavor

the powerful effect of "Wild Rebels" cereal (207)

Mad Goth, the

Bobo’s amnesiac, gladiatorial incarnation in Ancient Rome (818-820)

mads, the

Dr. Clayton Forrester and his assistant (Larry Erhardt or TV’s Frank) (101-706)

Magic Voice

the usually female voice that periodically announces commercial sign (various, esp. 301)

Maltese men

supposedly effeminate people whom Crow unaccountably despises (1008)

Man … or Astro-man?

Surf-rock band that recorded a version of the "Love Theme from Mystery Science Theater 3000"; Joel Robinson briefly does pyrotechnics for the band after his return to Earth (1001)

Manos

the … hands of fate. Yes, "Manos." (424; MST3K:TM)

Matter Transference Device

invention of Forrester which cause alternate-universe havoc when sent to the Satellite of Love during an "ion storm" (611)

Mexican stop-light candy

hidden identity of a "cool thing" outside the Satellite (208, 310, 401)

Mike

temp hired by the mads who helps Gypsy rescue Joel from the Satellite of Love, then is shot into space in his place; full name: Mike Nelson (512 on; MST3K:TM; a k a "Destroyer of Worlds" (804, 808, 814, 815)

Mr. B Natural

perky androgynous spirit who seduces a young boy into joining high-school band and terrorizes Joel and the ’bots (319; 524; 1995 MST3K Anthology host segments; 704)

"Mitchell!"

catch phrase inspired by the Joe Don Baker epic after which Joel escapes (512)

Mole People

subterranean neighbors of Deep 13 (various, esp. Season 2)

movie sign

signal (flashing lights and repeating buzzer) that the experiment is about to begin or resume (all)

Music from the Hearts of Space

public-radio program featuring sleep-inducing synthesizer music of the type that forms the soundtrack of the movie "Pod People" (303)

Nanites

microscopic, technologically advanced beings who helpfully infest the Satellite of Love (801, 802, 808, 812, 818, 819, 822, 903, 909)

NBC Sunday Mystery Movie

old anthology TV series invoked by Crow and Servo whenever flashlight beacons appear on screen (various early Season 4, esp. 404)

Nelson, Mike

see Mike

"Nice swoon!"

compliment for on-screen fainting (Season 1)

"Nice tag!"

compliment for on-screen punching (Season 1)

1985

a pivotal year in the life of Mike Nelson: he is visited by a golden Robot from the Future (Crow) who ultimately convinces him not to change his sorry life at all; and, sometime thereafter, he cuts his hair, resulting in a "look" he will keep for at least 500 years (811, 821)

nipple

human body part that resembles, in shape and location, a button that hero Commando Cody activates to take flight in the serial Radar Men from the Moon (most Season 1 episodes)

"Number 5!"

(or any other shouted number) substitute for an overly familiar joke; from a drawn-out humorless joke about prison in "The Side Hackers" (202, 209, 401)

Nummy Muffin Coocol Butter

pink, furry, irresistibly cute creature created by Forrester (605)

Nuveena

singing, dancing woman of Tomorrow who visits the Satellite and offers to take Mike and the ’bots back to the future with her (524, 614)

Observer

any of a race of supposedly hyperevolved beings, to whom all others are "as to an amoeba" and who carry their brains around in bowls, who abduct Pearl, Bobo, and the Satellite of Love denizens; see also Brain Guy (804 on)

"Oh, I Am Sad"

Apparation-accompanied ballad Mike sings while the Satellite of Leak leaks sad rain during the viewing of "Girl in Gold Boots" (1002

one-hundred-percent prime-cut American robotic male

Servo, as defined by Servo; cf "I’m the wind" (102

Ortega

hairy, mumbling consort of gypsies and zombies from "The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies" (812, 815, 822)

Packers!

the most likely subject of shouting and "Woo"ing by mobs in Wisconsin (812, other later episodes)

Peanut, Dr.

Professor Bobo’s even less bright assistant on Earth (801-803)

Pearl

Clayton Forrester’s mother, who comes to live in Deep 13 after Frank’s assumption into second-banana heaven; after overcoming her grief over her son’s death, which she causes, she continues Forrester’s mission while pursuing Mike and the ’bots throughout the universe (607; 701 on)

Perkins, Jack

visitor to Deep 13 and unidentified host of The Mystery Science Theater Hour (310; 1991 Turkey Day host segments; 1995 MST3K Anthology host segments)

Peter Graves at the University of Minnesota

another Crow screenplay attempt, this one built entirely around the Roger Corman favorite’s years in college at the University of Minnesota; also titled Just Plain Peter: The U of M Years and Peter Graves Goes to College at the University of Minnesota (517, 620, 704)

piehole

see cakehole

"pinkboy"

term of derision (various)

Pitch

a strangely perky behorned demon (521, 614, 818)

"pizza"

word audible amid the sound made by Door 3 of the Satellite’s theater during the Joel era (101-512)

Plant, Robert

floral arrangement that critiques music (309; 1991 Turkey Day host segments)

plenty of lip and tongue action

key to pursuasive "speech," according to an educational short subject (313, 603)

Plot Convenience Playhouse

Servo’s would-be showcase for particularly contrived scenes and movies such as "Time of the Apes," which also features a Plot Contrivance Switch that, when hit by rubble, sends the human heroes to their ape-planet destiny (306, 316)

prairie dogs

critters that infest the Satellite of Love, until Crow sics the "Varmint Vac" on ‘em (802)

Puma

endlessly sought-after cat in "Ring of Terror" (206)

Puma Man

goofy superhero (903)

Radar!

miracle invention worshipped in "Radar Secret Service" (513, 520, 601, 602, 701)

refueling

sexually suggestive yet tedious routine that accounts for much of the "action" of the Air Force saga "The Starfighters" (321, 612)

Robinson, Joel

see Joel

rock climbing

excruciatingly boring activity that makes up most of "The Lost Continent" (208, 520)

Rocket Number Nine

camera that shows exteriors of the Satellite of Love (various)

Rock Paper Scissors

game in which Joel always beats the ’bots (106, 415)

Roji Panty Complex

mysterious Japanese plot or disease, to which Servo succumbs (819)

Rome

some ancient Earth city, burned down by a mountain gorilla (816-821)

Rowsdower, Zap

the puffy Canadian hero of "The Final Sacrifice"; often asked for in a wispy voice by his young geeky sidekick (910)

Sampo

mysterious, powerful, Scandanavian object pursued in "The Day the Earth Froze" (422, 506, 703)

sandstorm

key component of Deep Hurting: an interminable sequence in "Hercules Against the Moon Men" (410)

Satellite of Love

the spaceship to which Joel, then Mike, is exiled (all)

Servo, Tom

bubble-gum-machine-headed, barrel-bodied, hoverskirted, vestigial-armed, attitude-giving ’bot (all)

"Sessions presents …"

familiar record-commercial introduction brought to Servo’s mind by scenes of couples in the woods or on the beach (414, 418)

The Seven Faces of Dr. Lao

Joel’s favorite movie (and yet, he gets its title wrong), from which he draws his parting words to the ’bots (512)

Sex Factory

Mike’s band when he was a brainless, Journey-loving cheese-factory worker in Wisconsin (821)

Sooey the Pig Girl

female secret agent in "Rocket Attack USA" who extracts information from a slobbish male Soviet official via thankfully off-screen intimate relations; named thus by Servo (205)

Spacom

does-everything product inspired by the space-travel agency in "Project Moon Base" (109, 201, 209)

Spydor

Joel and the ’bots’ arachnid-themed metal band inspired by "Earth vs. the Spider" (313)

T.G.I. Tokyo’s

spoof restaurant inspired by "Gamera vs. Barugon"; featured desserts include the Vanilla Cross-Country Killing Spree (304)

Tibby

revered, normal-sized turtle in "Gamera" (302, 305)

time machine

something Mike builds that proves no help to him at all (807, 821)

Timmy

evil doppelganger of Crow (416)

Tiger-Bot

fanzine whose "hunks" include Data of Star Trek: The Next Generation (105)

Toblerone

maniacally laughing, dialogue-mangling rabble leader in "Escape 2000"; his name in the movie might actually be something else, but it’s hard to tell, and who cares? (705)

Tom Servo

see Servo, Tom

Tor

Tor Johnson, a giant, slow-witted thug in several B-movies (320, 423, 621)

Torgo

creepy, giant-kneed guy (and part-time pizza deliverer) from "’Manos’ the Hands of Fate" (424, 508, 509, 523, 611, 614, 620, 624)

TOR-TURE!

maniacally pronounced type of punishment favored by an alien in "Teenagers from Outer Space" (404)

traffic accidents

major world problem according to a child in "Gamera vs. Guiron," who seeks a planet without them (312)

turtle meat

key component of Gamera (304, 312, 316)

TV’s Frank

see Frank, TV’s

Umbilicon or Umbilicus

a link between the S.O.L. and Deep 13 that allows the exchange of small objects (601, other Season 6 episodes; 706)

Umbilipod

a device for sending things through the Umbilicon (601, other Season 6 episodes)

Umbiliport

one end of the Umbilicon (601, 612)

Umbili_____

You get the idea.

V-Shaped Diamond Encrusted Mummy Communicator-Type Thing

object from "Being from Another Planet" that Joel and the ’bots hawk on the "TV’s Frank Shopping Network" to try to lure Frank into bringing down the Satellite of Love (405)

waffles

beloved breakfast food aboard the Satellite (317, 520)

"Want some?"

offer of fruit, usually followed by the slapping away of the fruit by the offeree, as in "Daddy-O" (307, 415; 1991 Turkey Day host segments)

"Watch out for snakes"

ominous warning that comes from seemingly nowhere in "Eegah" (506, 605, 612)

Weebles

see Fisher-Price people

weird area

something too strange for even the denizens of the S.O.L. to contemplate ("You’re getting into a real weird area now") (319, 402, 411, 421)

"What do you think, sirs?"

common request for comment from the mads (various)

"where the fish lives"

a stupid, possessed girl’s definition of a creek, in "A Touch of Satan" (908)

"Why don’t they look?"

head-shaking commentary on fools, esp. young people who drive their cars into trains, as in a pointedly grim Union Pacific short (520, 609)

Willy the Waffle

breakfast-food-costumed dispenser of wisdom, portrayed by Crow, who tries to warn others about the dangers of a world without waffles and advertising (317, 423)

yams

Forrester’s favorite Thanksgiving dish (1991 Turkey Day segments)

"Ya got a little …"

wisecrack to an on-screen character with something unsightly on its face (various, esp. Season 1, esp. 113, but also 418, 624 and 704)

"You know you want me, baby!"

Crow’s self-determined "catch phrase" (822)